Soy What?

Soy sauce is such a staple in Japanese cuisine that anyone who’s ever been to a Japanese restaurant knows that the small dish in front of you is to be filled with soy sauce (and maybe a bit of wasabi). This is such the norm that these dishes are conventionally sold as “soy sauce dishes“. But, apparently, this is a misnomer in Ohio. At a recent dinner at a teppenyaki (think Benihana) restaurant, everyone’s soy sauce dish was filled with salad dressing.

Let that soak in for a bit…just as the mayonnaise-based abhorrence flooding my pre-dinner salad soaked into the once-crisp leaves of lettuce.

I assure you, the dish you see above looked exactly the same when I left. Untouched.

 

Top Ten Signs You are from Ohio, Entertainment Edition

The Top ten signs you are from Ohio (entertainment edition):

10.  When Dora the Explorer comes on TV, you go into a rant about how “them Mexican-speaking immigrants are ruining this country” that lasts longer than the show itself.

9.  You consider being called a “couch potato” a compliment since chips are made from potatoes and potato chips are the best food known to man.

8.  You refer to to the judges on The Voice as the 3 anorexic singers and the slightly skinny negro.

7.  Whenever a Korean or Vietnamese actor shows up you complain about how “them Chinese factories are destroying our economy” only to be stopped short when you realize it’s time for you to participate in your labor union strike.

6.  You’re sure mockumentary comedies that make fun of the Northeastern states (e.g., The Office and Parks & Recreation) are actual  documentaries.*

5.  You don’t understand the point of The Biggest Loser.

4.  You’re convinced Oprah and Obama are siblings.

3.  The Jerry Springer show brings up warm, fuzzy memories of the holidays with family.

2.  You watched Lincoln and consider it a cutting edge movie because the villain (Lincoln) gets his way at the end.

1.  You think Dr. Oz is science fiction.

* From Michael Scott’s love of his Sebring convertible and Dwight Schrutte rocking out to Transiberian Orchestra to Leslie Knope’s love of whipped cream, the longer I’m in Ohio the more I realize how accurate and bitingly comedic these shows are.

Foodies

The foodie craze is in full force all across the nation.  Culinary delights ranging from curry tacos from a gourmet food truck to wagyu steak with a side of truffle mashed potatoes at your favorite 5-star restaurant.  So, what were the culinary highlights of a recent Ohioan’s roadtrip?

She was so excited to have found a hotel in the perfect location that had (and I quote) “all the restaurants:  Applebee’s, Friday’s, and Denny’s.”  Yup, that’s all of them.  Exotic!

Slug Arm

Just to clarify, that’s a human arm, not a baby manatee.  Ohio.

I Have Failed You

The other day I was in the grocery store next to the self-service muffin display, when a large man in a motorized cart came over to pick out some muffins.  Again, I am bewildered.  If you are so large that you have to use a machine to get around the store, shouldn’t you skip the muffins?  Then again, it does make sense in a way.

As I was leaving the store, I saw an elderly man with a cane walking into the store.  He was having a lot of difficulty walking.  He should have been in a motorized cart.  But, alas, there were none available.  At this point the whole fat person thing becomes less funny and more of an upsetting tragedy.

Anyway, I feel I’ve failed my readers in a way as I didn’t get a picture of the large muffin man, and I’ve been away from the blog for a bit.  So, to make up for my failures, I offer you a peace offering.  I have one word (okay, two):

CANKLES, BABY!

Here and There

In addition to differences in vocabulary, there are some other cultural differences between Californians and Ohioans that I’ve noticed since being here.  For example, in California, generally speaking, when you have an out-of-town guest  you treat him out for dinner whereas in Ohio you cook for him.  Here are some other interesting differences:

In CA, when someone buys you a gift they insinuate how expensive the gift is to indicate how much your friendship means to them.  In OH, they brag about the incredible deal they got on the gift which, in a way, is refreshing until you have to exchange the gift and you only get $1.48 in store credit.

In CA, when someone wants to show off their wealth by buying a sports car, they buy a Ferrari, a Lamborghini, or a Maserati.  In OH, when someone wants to show of their wealth by buying a sports car, they buy a red Corvette, a black Corvette, or a yellow Corvette.

In CA, seeing someone walk to work or to the store makes one think, “Good for him for wanting to stay in shape and help the environment.”  In OH, seeing someone walk on the street makes one think, “Lock the doors, dear, there’s a homeless man.”

In CA, a pie serves 8-10. In OH a pie serves 5.

In CA, the mannequins in the department stores are skinny to make you think about how amazing you’ll look in that outfit and aspire to be that size.  In OH, the mannequins in the department stores are chubby…to make you think about how amazing you’ll look in that outfit and aspire to be that size.

Relative Terms

One of the tricky things about the American English language is the fact that many words that sound good are relative.  For example, the word “better.”  Being shot 5 times is better than being shot 7 times, but, let’s face it, both are pretty horrific.  Another relative term is the word “lite.”  Since a picture’s worth 1,000 words (no pun intended), I present to you a picture of the “Lite Menu” of a local restaurant:

My favorite part of this Lite Menu is the print in the top right corner.  In case you can’t see it, it reads:  “Lite dinners include choice of 2 sides (extra charge for dinner salad).”  Seriously, that kills me.  Extra charge for salad on the lite menu.

As a matter of clarification, the “2 pieces of Chicken” that comprise the first lite item is not grilled or baked but fried which makes it really difficult to decide since there are other wonderfully lite items such as the Fried Clams, Pork Chop, and Country Ham.  Speaking of tricky aspects of the English language, aren’t pork and ham synonyms for all things fat?  Then again, I guess it’s all relative.

The Vicious Cycle, Part 2 – Handicapped

When I was living in California, the handicapped parking spaces were almost never occupied.  And when they were, it was most likely someone in a wheelchair, someone temporarily handicapped by something like a broken leg, or a healthy USC football player whose dad is a doctor.

Since moving to Ohio, I have seen more handicapped spots than I ever have before (and I used to work in a retirement community).  I have also seen more occupied handicapped spots than I ever have before.

What you need to know (and if you’ve been reading this blog, you know what’s coming) is that most of the occupants of said parking spots are not physically disabled in the traditional sense (cracked hip, wheelchair, no legs, etc.).  They are obese.  Yes, they have trouble walking, but it’s because they are obese.  Yes, some of them use (note:  not need) motorized carts to get around, but it’s because they are obese.  I think you get the point.  Heck, you probably got the point before this paragraph even begun.

So why do I call this ” The Vicious Cycle, Part 2″?  I noticed that in a local strip mall, there was a bank of handicapped spots in front on one particular shop:

For those not familiar, Cici’s Pizza is known for their all you can eat pizza buffet.  And there you have it:  The Vicious Cycle continues.

Asian Festival…in Ohio???

A couple weeks ago, I was in Columbus, Ohio and stumbled across an Asian Festival in one of their many parks.  I was excited.  I was expecting to see all kinds of symbols of my Asian heritage, sample Asian treats and purchase relics from dynasties of ages past.

Idiot.  Have I learned nothing?

So what does an Asian Festival in Ohio look like?  I’m glad you asked.  Along with the obligatory martial arts and cultural dance performances, there were many booths with “Asian” items for sale.  These booths made up the  bulk of the festival.  I captured a few pictures to share with you and made some subtle edits to point out how Asian this festival really was.  [Insert sarcastic smirk here.]  I have access to some pretty lame photo editing software, so for the full effect you need to mumble “Not Asian” every time you see a yellow arrow.

I’m just thankful they didn’t call it “Oriental Festival”…or worse.

People of Walmart

If you like this blog, you’re probably familiar with People of Walmart. If not, here’s a video to familiarize you.  Enjoy.